Celebrity Sperm Raffle

“Hi, my name is Kyle. I’m Frieda’s boyfriend?” Kyle suggested. Cuckler blinked and shot him a nasty look, very similar to the one he’d given Proctor a few days earlier. “What the Hell are you asking me for?” Cuckler grumbled. He waved them over to the V.I.P. keg and handed them each a custom plastic cup. Written in red over the black cup was the phrase: ‘Globo-Warriors: Party Against the Machine 2006’. “This is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many people come out for a Global Warming Rally. How much money have you made?” Kyle shouted, still trying to make conversation. Frieda was beginning to look uncomfortable at Cuckler’s drunken stare as Kyle spoke to him. “Weird, not many girls date shorter guys. What’d you want to know kid? How much cash? The beer alone will pay off the loans I took out with some change. The real money is gonna come out of the raffle though,” Cuckler said. He motioned for everyone to stay put while he approached the stage. The rock band finished up their song as Cuckler dragged his tubby carcass up to the microphone and began waving. The audience cheered as he took the mike. “Are you folks ready to save the FUCKING PLANET?! I saaaid, ARE YOU READY TO STOP SOME GLOOOBAL WARMING?!” The kids ate it up. They were screaming and waving shirts, girls were flashing breasts, and countless fists were pumping the air in agreement. “Alright, now first up I’m proud to announce the winner of the celebrity sperm raffle. The winner, of their very own, one hundred percent fresh and one hundred percent real, fresh from the loins of NONE OTHER THAN CHUCK NORRIS HIMSELF! The winner is…number 195239!” Cuckler screamed. The audience applauded while one guy began jumping up and down screaming for joy. Proctor had to suppress a laugh while Frieda gasped in horror. She turned to one of the other kids in the V.I.P. ring and asked him how much he’d paid for a raffle ticket. “Ten bucks, what’s it to you? Chuck Norris’s fucking sperm? You know how many people would kill for that shit?” the kid explained. Proctor repressed the urge to ask him how he was certain Cuckler hadn’t just been fondling the boob statue and making the prize himself but thought better of it. Judging by the number of disappointed faces in the audience, it looked like the idea had worked. “This shit is awesome. I always thought saving the planet was just chicks with armpit hair and liberals. Gay shit like that. But this is fucking awesome!” the kid continued. Proctor barely heard him as he watched Cuckler hop off the stage to usher in the second part of the night’s entertainment. A Hummer was being driven through the crowd, stopping right in the middle, where several interns hopped out and began distributing hammers. Within minutes, the audience had ripped it to pieces.