Hobart's Return

“Yeah, I guess you might as well call me that now. Jesus, I only meant for you to slip me one pill,” the man Proctor had been referring to as Cuckler for almost three months said. His belly was still as enormous but the posture was all different. A casual slouch while leaning on Frieda’s desk, though Proctor had never noticed it before, was a pose that Cuckler would not have been caught dead in. And the voice was no longer a half-snarl. But most of all the eyes were soft, almost too soft. “What…what’s the meaning of all this? You disguised yourself as a giant fat asshole so you could do illegal things with the firm? We all ju-, wait, are you crying? Hobart, this is not the time!” Proctor said. Hobart was blubbering now, the jowls that had hung almost threateningly on Cuckler now just waddled pitifully while Hobart sobbed. Frieda walked over and patted him on the shoulder. “Oh, everything is such a mess now. Bordex in the hospital, all those other environmental agencies, and now, now they’re about to launch an even bigger mess,” Hobart said as his sobs renewed. A chill went up Proctor’s spine as he guessed what ‘a bigger mess’ might be. “Hobart, you have to tell us what Prop 415 is,” Proctor said. It took the crying a while to subside but finally Hobart walked back into the office and returned with a folder overflowing with papers. “Prop 415 was the reason I got into the global warming scene. It’s a filtering system I invented back when I worked for that pharmaceutical corporation. It can essentially remove all CO2 emissions from any car when installed in the engine,” Hobart said as he passed out e-mails and memos outlining the specifics. Each one Proctor flipped through was addressed to a car manufacturer or politician. “But Hobart, that’s incredible. Why didn’t you start Prop 415 sooner?” Proctor asked. “Because it also reduces the fuel efficiency of the car by about 2/3. I was able to get the car companies on board because I made contact with some people in the fuel industry and now all they see is the profits,” Hobart explained. Frieda took a step back from Hobart with a horrified look, which only seemed to renew his crying. “But that would devastate the world’s economy! It could even start a damned war worse than Iraq. Why would Cuckler do this?” Frieda demanded. “I did it Frieda. Well, as Cuckler I did it. It just seemed like the fastest way of fixing global warming. These advocates are hosting a fishing get-together to start spreading the word in the conservative party today. But, I just might have an idea on how to stop it, if I could just stop feeling so bad and crying. Damnit, I really took too big a dose,” Hobart blubbered.