The New Cuckler Deal

Everyone in the office turned to see who had spoken. “Hello, my name is Karl Cuckler,” said the stranger. He was carrying a briefcase and several rolled up documents as he strode to where Proctor stood. Stepping next to Proctor, Cuckler gave him a slight shove on the shoulder and a nod to sit down. Proctor gritted his teeth at being pushed away so lightly, but was also a little bit relived. Maybe Hobart really had delivered them a miracle, albeit a mildly annoying one. Unrolling a chart, Cuckler tacked it against the wall and began gesturing with his hands. “Now, let’s not beat around the bush. Hobart has gilled me in on all the juicy details about you kids. The first thing will be the volunteers. You miss another event, I revoke your credit and you’re outta here. You keep taking extra long lunch breaks, I start giving you piss tests and reporting them,” Cuckler said. His voice had a slow deep boom to it, like you could hear it even if you put your hands over your ears. Everything he said had the curious sensation of feeling like a ‘fuck you’ and ‘do this now’, so that one jumped to obey and dislike him at the same time. One of the volunteers raised their hand and stammered, “But…but I thought we were volunteers.” Cuckler gave a grinding, snarling laugh that was distinctly unfriendly. “Not anymore. You are now all unpaid interns,” Cuckler explained. The interns all nodded. “Which brings me to a greater point. Most of you are probably aware that the budget is more fucked than a dominatrix at a republican convention (pause while Cuckler laughs, one of the interns coughs). Well, in order to get more funds I’ve had to play around with some rules along with the Federal Advocacy Act. We’re changing the name from Global Warming Defense League to Globo Warriors. I thought it had a little more kick, y’know? We are now technically a brand new and unrelated firm to the old one, which gives us access to the one time start-up Federal Bonus of 10,000 dollars,” Cuckler explained as he gestured. Frieda’s hand had shot up at some point during this but Cuckler did not seem to notice. Proctor’s mood had shifted from annoyed to gratified to outraged so fast that he was unsure whether to raise his own hand or just speak. Cuckler kept talking. “This is only going to last us for so long though. We are now shifting our primary goals from distributing pamphlets and ‘awareness’ to focusing purely on fundraising. We need to assess who our greatest competitors are for donations and how we can undermine their support. We need to be having more rallies, ones that target specific demographics beyond college kids who don’t vote.” More hands had gone up. Cuckler was gesturing at a series of color coded bullet points, seemingly unaware of the impending inquisition. Proctor finally just barked out, “Excuse me, but what is all this money going to be used for, if not spreading ‘awareness’?” Cuckler turned, gave another teeth grinding laugh and said, “Saving the fucking planet, kid.”